It’s been so long that I forget what it’s like to have kids around all the time.
My son’s been home sick for three days. The poor pitiful little guy has had pink eye in both eyes, severe congestion, and a terrible ear ache. I have taken care of him and I have felt bad for him and I have fed, waited on, and babied him.
The first day, it was fine. I slept well the night before and I really did feel terrible that he was so sick.
The second day I was tired. He woke up at 4:30 AM and I hadn’t gone to be until midnight. (I have to make up for the time lost to sickness somehow…) I spent the majority of the day staring at the wall, wasting time, or functioning on autopilot.
The third day, I was over it. I so desperately want to be the mom that is always thinking about her baby and never gets frustrated when her child is sick. I want to be the mom that recognizes how good she has it… that her sweet boy could be REALLY sick and she’s so grateful that he’s going to be ok. I want to be the mom that doesn’t get short tempered and frustrated when she has to be a nursemaid (and little else) for three days.
But I’m just me.
I strive to be that mom. I work towards gratitude, selflessness, and serenity.
But I don’t get there easily. In fact, I usually don’t get there at all.
By the end of day three, I was done. I’m done with people… all people. I can’t listen to my son snarf his congested nose one. more. time. I’m tired of making decisions and interacting and being selfless.
And suddenly, I remember.
I remember what those early years were like. I remember the cycle of frustration, guilt, and anxiety. I remember the amount of effort it took for me to be happy.
And I’m heartbroken.
I’m heartbroken that I’m me when I so desperately want to be someone different.
I don’t write all of this for pity or for affirmation. I write it for the moms who can relate. I want to be a voice for the women who want to be the mom they know they can be, but for whatever reason, they simply can’t get there.
This. This is the reason I am starting a “personal brand” and the reason I am launching Blue Space Photography.
It’s hard. We’re all warriors in our own way.
Some find motherhood easy. I did not. I still don’t… although the days are easier now than they used to be.
The message I hope to give is “GRACE FOR YOURSELF”
It is the message I had to give myself day after day, and the message I have found myself giving my friends more often than I like to think about. As moms, we set our expectations tremendously high when we are all just… us. We’re still human with flaws and faults.
I’m here to tell you, as I tell myself, that it’s ok. That you’re trying. That you’re brave. That you’re strong for showing up. That you are enough.
I hope you’ll come along with me through this journey of motherhood.